i have been home for 3 days and already me and tina have gotten in to it....i hate being home i cant stand it....i havent cried for about 2 months but right now im writing this threw tear glazed eyes...im not writing for pity or anything like that i just need to get some feelings out....i have written a new poem but i dont think i will post it because it really explains how i feel and they are not good thoughts....b ut what ever.....i dont fucking care any more... i really need to find a car because i cant stay in this house....im missing ryans show becuase i dont have a car....and i cant see him because i dont have a car...im loosing all sources of being independent....and i hate it i hate having to rely on other people for me to do things....i have never been like that i dont need other people i have myself and that is all i need....im going to make it my mission to find myself a car before the end of the month... oh and for those of you who dont know i got fired from pizza hut today!!! so that tops off my perfect day....i havent seen ryan for about 4 days i dont even count my seeing him last because i just saw him for about 5 min....so i really havent seen him for 5 days.....tina is pissing me off and im really starting to believe that im bi-polar like everyone is telling me....i dont want to be but i keep noticing that i blow up at random people...i dont mean to but i have been getting iritated so easily lately....the only time i dont feel like getting angry is when im around mandy or ryan....they are the only ones right now keeping me sane....i know the rest of my family is there but i lived with mandy and that brought us closer and she is the only one that contacts me to do something....im tried of having to deside when things happen....but once again i dont care anymore.... nothing in my life is going right i feel like everything i do is contributing to my downfall....i feel like i have been drenched in gasoline and everyone around me is dancing around me with sparklers....im just waiting for one of them to come too close and ignite the anger within.... tina tried to tell me that what im doing with ryan is not right....i should make him come to me instead of going to see him all the time....we cant see eachother very often so when i have a chance im sorry im going to take it....she said that he should come see me but he doesnt have a car either and im willing to walk to see him....but she told me to make him come to me because if i make it to easy for him then he will leave me....and anyone who knows me knows that is the last thing i want....i like him to much and i dont know what to do....last time i was given the advice to make him come to me it was hard but we ended up dating the next day....but now that i have him i really dont want to lose him....i dont know what im suppposed to do....im going to go to target with mom tomorrow and call him maybe he will try to see me...she said if he really likes me than he will do anything to see me....god i am so confused.... my body hurts im hungry but im too feed up with everything to even try to eat, and my back still hurts and i think im getting sick again....maybe a cold this time....i have been sleeping downstairs in the basement and it is brass monkeys down there (quote from green street houlgians) haha....any way i have 4 fleece blankets and a comforter and i was pretty comfortable but i dont feel the best right now....but that could be because im so stressed out....i dont know.... i really wish i could be at the bottle neck right now but damn me and my lack of car....it is making me feel like im a bad girlfriend because i could be there to support him....i have been planning to go for the past month and now im stitting here at home watching the time go by...i feel horrible and just wish ryan can forgive me for not getting to see his first show in the band feed the fury....im really sorry babe.... well i think i ranted enough sorry for those of you still reading i just had to get things off my chest....goodnight | 